The Horrors of Pole Dancing
Listen, we need to have a serious talk. Pole dancing is dangerous—not in the way you think, but in a way that might just change your life for the better. If you enjoy being weak, uninspired, and absolutely miserable, then STAY AWAY.
But if you’re a little curious, read on—at your own risk.
1. It Will Make You “Too Strong“
You know what’s really inconvenient? Accidentally becoming too fit. Pole dancers develop rock-solid core strength, powerful arms, and legs that could crush watermelons. If the idea of effortlessly lifting your own body weight and feeling like a total badass sounds horrifying, avoid pole dancing at all costs.
Warning: You may start catching people staring at your toned arms and questioning if you secretly train as a superhero.
2. Your Confidence Might Skyrocket
If you’re comfortable being riddled with self-doubt and insecurity, do NOT start pole dancing. This art form has a nasty habit of making people feel empowered, sexy, and unstoppable. Imagine walking into a room with your head high, oozing confidence, and feeling at home in your own skin—absolutely terrible, right?
Side Effect Alert: You might start wearing outfits that make you feel amazing, posing for photos without hesitation, and—worst of all—loving yourself.
3. You’ll Meet Too Many Awesome People
Are you an introvert who thrives on solitude? Sorry to break it to you, but pole dancing classes are filled with supportive, encouraging, and downright hilarious people. Once you start, you’ll suddenly find yourself surrounded by friends who genuinely cheer for your progress.
Serious Concern: You may end up with a second family that celebrates your successes, lends you grip aid, and convinces you to perform at a showcase “just for fun.”
4. You’ll Have Too Much Fun Exercising
Exercise is supposed to be dull and painful, right? Well, pole dancing ruins that completely. It disguises an intense full-body workout as something exciting and addictive. You’ll be laughing, dancing, and flipping upside down, all while accidentally burning hundreds of calories.
Shocking Revelation: Who knew workouts could be enjoyable? Honestly, disgraceful.
5. You Might Develop an Expensive Obsession
Here’s a financial warning: once you start pole dancing, you won’t want to stop. Suddenly, you’ll need cute pole shorts, sparkly outfits, knee pads, grip aid, pole heels, and maybe even your own pole at home. It’s a slippery slope, and your bank account may never recover from the sheer amount of joy it will fund.
Be Careful: You may also find yourself googling “best pole studios near me” when you travel, just to get your fix.
6. Your Definition of ‘Normal’ Will Change Forever
Think touching your toes is impressive? Pffft. Once you pole dance, “normal” will include climbing a pole with just your thighs, hanging upside down for fun, and casually discussing bruises shaped like pole grips over brunch. Your standards for impressive feats will be ruined.
Risk Factor: Your non-pole friends may start questioning your life choices when they catch you casually stretching your splits in public.
7. You Might Become Addicted to Feeling Like a Rockstar
Nothing ruins a boring lifestyle faster than pole dancing. Suddenly, you’re flipping, spinning, and moving in ways you never imagined possible. You’re dancing to music, feeling the rhythm, and—ugh—the unbearable joy of self-expression.
Warning: You may find yourself choreographing routines in your head, daydreaming about new tricks, and compulsively watching pole performances online. There is no known cure.
Final Thoughts: Stay Away (Or Don’t)
If you love weakness, self-doubt, and boredom, then pole dancing is definitely not for you. But if you’re ready to be strong, confident, surrounded by an amazing community, and ridiculously happy, then fine—give it a try.
But don’t say we didn’t warn you but if you are still feeling tempted, check out our instagram to see how “bored” everyone really is…
Are you ready?
Ready to ignore this terrible advice and give pole dancing a go? Join us at The Pole Gym Brisbane and embrace the “horrors” of strength, confidence, and fun. Book your trial class now—if you dare!